zkandaloza's Diaryland Diary

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I'm a Single Mom: Here's Everything in a Nutshell...

So I just talked to Alex. We talk every day. Not really conversationy stuff just talk about the baby and some what do you call it, the polite talk like, what u doing, how are you? So he calls me and asks wheres mija and I tell him. She's yard sale shopping with my parents while I went to class. So he's like well...When are you starting work? I'm like well i have to find a job first. He's like ok. WHen are you gonna get our apartment? Whoa what?!

Alex says he wants to come live with us. But I don't know how I feel about this. I feel like I'm getting on with my life but Alex says he wants to come back into our lives. Just like that. Its not good for baby girl. I'm tired of leaving his ass and then going back to him. I've done it enouph times to know that I DON"T want to do that ANYMORE. Its not fair for any of us. For him, For me and especially for her. I know that being out here with my parents has relaxed me and help me put things into perspective. I have plans for us. For me and my little girl. I want to create a life for us. I know its not easy being a single mother but I KNOW I could do it! I like my independece a lot. I think that is part of the reason we don't get a long that well. I had NO independence with him. He doesn't belive in that. Wife's shouldn't have any independence. Its his background. I fight with his 'background' so much. We come from different upbringings and he sees things so completely different than me! I mean he might as well be another race or species. lol! I'm not gonna change him nor he change me. So that leaves me wondering what should I do? Whats Best for my daughter?? She deserves a home with a mom AND a dad. But she also deserves security in a HAPPY enviroment. Where she can grow up happy and healthy.

I know I haven't wrote about it here but I decided to leave him in May. We were living in NC. I felt so alone and troubled. I had no friends, no family there for support.Alex and I were constantly fighting about this or that. Disrespecting each other. Yelling or crying. Living with our INLAWS for Godsakes! With -as he said-No intention to get our own place. I'd had it! We lived with each other but hardly spoke a word. I asked for a Divorce but he pretended we never had that conversation. Then there was that whole threatening-to-get-full-custody bit if we divorced. Two minuetes later he's asking for forgivness and says he would NEVER take her away from me!! How could I live with that over my head. My only option was to leave then. And this is where we stand.

12:52 p.m. - 2008-07-11

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